Big Balls Bounces

Resignation of a Senor Advisor Who Was Too Alpha for the State Dept

TO: Elon Musk, Doge-Prime

FROM: “Big Balls,” a.k.a. Eddie Coristine, Former "Senor Advisor"

DATE: March 15. 2025

SUBJECT: Resignatipn Letter

Dear Mr. Musk and members of the DOGE Team,

It is with the heaviest of vibes that I am herebye tenderizing my official resignation from my Senor Advisor positon at the State Dept Bureo of Diplomatic Technology, effective immediateley.

First, let me say, this is not about you, Elon! I have nothing but the upmost respect for your work. You have so many ball saks, ur the GOAT!

This decision to redsign did not come easy, fam. I’ve spent, like, the last 72 hours in hardcore reflection. I consultated my heart, my mind, and the DOGE Discord server. Plus, I caught a banger Joe Rogan pod ep about "following your bliss" (he had some guy on who microdoses battery acid or something idk but it hit). They all agree: the time has come for me to dip and start my next epic quest.

My dreams are calling me, Elon. And those dreams? They slap. They include, but are not limited to: becoming a full-time DOGE influencer and launching a podcast called Big Balls Talks Diplomacy, where I spit wisdom and alpha energy. But that’s not all! I’ve also gotta persue my one tru passion: launching a crypto-inspired dating app for chads and tradwives. The app is called DogeDaters, and its gonna be lit. (HODL & swipe right for submissive MILFs and passive income, amirite? Hehe.)

While my tenur here has been brief (a record-breaking 38 ½ days not uncluding weekends, holidays, and that mental health ½ day I took when the Monster Energy Drinks hit too hard), I feel my contributoins have been, like, immeasurable. These include but are not linited to:

• Rebooted the office Wi-Fi router (twice).

• Installed a Rick and Morty screensaver on all the gov’t laptops. (Your welcome.)

• Revolutionized office snack protocol by demanding Doritos Locos Tacos in the vanding machine

• Only leaked classified info to rival nations once, and TBH that was a total accident.

That’s a legacy, bro. You can’t teach that.

On the real, though, I gotta say this gig has hit me in ways I didn’t expect. Like, Ive been feeling some type of way about the work we do here. Or, more accurately, the work we don’t do. I mean, I came in thinking diplomacy was suposably firing federal parasites, handshakes and cigars with world leaderz, and, idk, maybe a yacht or two? But instead, its been Reddit shitposts, bad coffee, and low-key putting state secrets in places they should 100% not be.

And now, as I stare into the barrel of my own resignation, I’ve gotta ask myself: Did I betray the country I swore to serve? Did I let Big Balls down? The weight of that is, like, almost unbearable. But stepping away is the move I need to make to actualy find those ideals I actually thought I was chasing when you signed me up for this.

Anyway, enough of this deep-fried bullshit.. Its been real, but its time for me to go full send into the next chapter. To the moon, my dudes. To the moon. (Haha, jk Elon, we all know the moon landing was cap, but if anyone’s gonna plant a Tesla flag up there for real, its you, my guy. Prob’ly. Unless Bezos buys the moon first or something.)

I look forward to our future collaboratipns. (Please see “NOTE” below.)

With Infinite Respect for Myself,
Big Balls, a.k.a. Eddie Coristine
Former "Senor Advisor"

NOTE: I dropped a link to my Doge Wallet below. Feel free to send donati0ns to help fund DogeDaters. Every little bit helps the cause. Look for me on Shark Tank! Let’s make love (and crypto) great again!!

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If this absurd fever dream made you laugh (or cry for humanity), 
toss a coffee my way. 
It helps me write more nonsense like this 
without having to micro-dose battery acid.